Mallrats(1995)

So, I chose this movie for no other reason than it was the first movie on my list of movies I want to review that I did not have to wait on the disk for (I've got like 20 waiting...yep, I'm that cool).

Now, I'm going to start off by saying, I have never seen this movie, and until a few days ago, did not even know it existed.

Without further ado...

So, first off....this movie starts off with a voice that says "So, my cousin Walt once got a cat stuck up his ass." Okay, I'm a little weirded out, and we're only 1 minute 17 seconds into the movie.

Okay, Stan Lee is in the movie. It can't be that bad. Oh, how I love Stan Lee. Sidenote: if I ever get to meet Stan Lee, I'm going to take Doctor Sheldon Cooper's advice and get him to sign a Batman comic. Just to be ironic.

So, now we're 5 minutes 34 minutes into the movie and find out a girl has died because she did 700 laps in the pool at the local YMCA and had an anurism(sp?) because a guy called her fat. Julie (the girl that died) was supposed to go on Brandy's father's gameshow, but obviously...a corpse on a gameshow might kill the mood, so Brandy offers to go on the show to offer solace to her father, except Brandy was supposed to go to Flordia with her boyfriend, T.S

Drama, drama, drama.

and seven minutes and fourteen seconds into the movie T.S and Brandy break up. Yep, didn't see that coming.

After the break up scene between T.S and Brandy we meet Rene and her boyfriend Brodie, Rene is unfulfilled in life, and what's something more, to make a difference, like the doctors curing illness, and so forth, while sneaking out of Brodie's house, (because Brodie still lives with his mother; and his mother doesn't like Rene very much) she throws a letter at him, it's a breakup letter.

Yeah, breaking up with someone via letter is okay in the 2nd grade. Not in your 20s.

The two boys get together and discuss their problems in their love lives, or now..lack there of.

So where do the boys decide the best place to go is? The mall. Yeah, the mall is totally where I go when I'm depressed *rolls eyes* I hate the mall, with a passion. Brodie, runs into a (very young and attractive) Ben Affleck, that doesn't really matter towards the movie, I just think it's funny. Ben Affleck runs a clothing store, that Brodie says is pretentious.

While at the mall, TS and Brodie find another friend, Dylan who is trying to find the hidden picture within a picture, but Dylan tells them that the stage TS and Dylan are curious about stage in the middle of the mall, which turns out; is a game called "Truth or Date" a game show Brandy's Dad runs.

TS and Brodie go looking for Jay and Silent Bob for help of destroying the game show.

Brodie runs into Rene at the mall, tries to win her back, and yet gets the response "Piss off".

Back to Jay and Silent Bob, they're genious idea to take out the mall security is Silent Bob running at the guard with a sock full of quarters. Only; a child understands what is going on, and shoves a toy truck in his way. Yep, way to go Jay and Silent Bob.

Stan Lee is signing comics, in the comic book store. TS and Brodie's dream.

Silent Bob takes to the stage to remove the pin, only misses. Of course, ya know, if I used a rope and a makeshift Batman costume, I totally think I'd make it.

Back to Brodie and Rene, Rene is now with Ben Affleck's character (who's name has not came up yet). TS goes for answers, because Brodie and Ben Affleck hate each other, more than toothpaste and orange juice. Ben Affleck admits that he's dating Rene. While TS distracts Ben Affleck, Brodie pulls Rene into the the elevator. Rene and Brodie start discussing, more like yelling about their relationship, and end up having sex, in the elevator.

"That was romantic, right?" Brodie asks. Yeah, he's a keeper.

Sidenote to this movie: Gwen, TS and Brodie's friend has an annoying voice, but that doesn't really
matter.

If this movie were to have a villan, it would be Brandy's father. He admits he is responsbile for Brandy's and TS's breakup.

and now Ben Affleck is kicking Brodie's butt. It comes out that Ben Affleck is only dating Rene, because she's on the rebound, because the sex is better, but he tells Jay and Silent Bob that it was the man in the easter bunny suit sitting at the station in the mall. What do Jay and Silent Bob do? They go beat up the Easter Bunny.

Another sidenote: So far, this movie sucks.

Brandy's dad has TS and Brodie forcibly removed by mall security, for good.

Rene hears screams of her name and runs away from Ben Affleck, to find Jay and Silent Bob (and Dylan still trying to figure out the picture within the picture), Jay and Silent Bob find the boys and after bashing a mall cop's head with a bat, make a run for it.

Don't worry, he's still alive just knocked out. Okay, not even knocked out, he gets right back up.

That's one problem with the movie, no one would have gotten right back up after being hit in the head with a metal baseball bat. Jay and Silent Bob make it out by using a grappling hook that Silent Bob has, why he has a grappling hook? BECAUSE HE'S SILENT BOB!

The boys go to a psychic, to find out what to do. A topless psychic. Go figure. A topless psychic with 3 nipples. WTF.

Okay, that was pretty ingenius, it was peperroni made to look like a 3rd nipple. Seriously, that's pretty smart.

Stan Lee meets Brodie outside a lingere store. Why does that not susprise me? As cool as Stan Lee is. They begin talking about love. Yeah, that's totally when I'd discuss with Stan Lee if I could ever meet him.

Jay and Silent Bob meet the two male contestents and try and freak them out, so that TS and Brodie can get on the game show hosted by Brandy's dad; so that TS can get back with Brandy. Jay also gives the two men some weed. If nothing else, they'll get arrested. TS, it turned out paid Stan Lee to talk to Brodie, he's a good friend, :)

Brandy's dead finally gets sick due to some rotten good given to him by Brodie. He refuses to stop working, what could possibly go wrong here? Jay bets up more cops, Silent Bob however is wiring something to the top of the rafters for TS, which another friend goes to get a tap of some sort from Brodie's house.

We're now to the game show. Brandy is asking each of them questions, like on every game show. Brodie is giving the third guy a hard time, the other friend finally delivers the tape; now, onto the tape. Jay throws it to Silent Bob, who misses the catch and it falls between the rafters.

Brandy figures out it's TS and Brodie pretty easily.

But Brodie gets annoyed and Brandy and tells TS to propse to Brandy like was intended, at the beginning of the movie, before she broke up with him. He does, and the answer is, of course, like every other cheesy 90s movie, a yes.

and even with only 11 minutes in the film, Dylan still can't see the sailboat.

Brodie gets up on the stage and tries to win Rene back, telling him "You have my heart." Ah, yay for cheesy lines. Silent Bob finally gets the tape. On the tape is Ben Affleck having sex with the friend, who went to get the tape.

and...Brodie ends back up with Rene.

All's well that ends well.

I give the movie a 3/10.